Been feeling bluesy lately, pretty darn bluesy, and not only can’t I tell you why; I simply don’t care to examine it. I know it’s probably a pot of Typical Twenties Loneliness and I think that is all right! I don’t mind sad feelings because I think they make me tougher and more aware. I can tell you, though, that I’ve been throwing myself at my family lately: “Hey! What’re you doing? Come over! Come pick me up! Let’s go to the movies! Let’s go running!”
It was on one of these self-invited outings last night that my mom confronted me about my choices. She said that I choose to live like I’m poor. I agreed. She said that I am choosing to pursue The Unknown instead of chasing after what I really want – to be in graduate school. I listened. I cried. I looked at her with my naked eyes, as if Target’s X-ray-like, soul-and-wrinkle-rendering fluorescence would allow me to feign my reaction at all. I started saying things.
I asked, voice breaking, if she understands what it’s like to be a degreed person in today’s hip, overpopulated Gen Y job market. It is not easy if you want to avoid clamoring and climbing and false consciousness, because while you can always get an entry-level job say, on The Hill, you’re just making the buck and wearing the buck and wanting the buck and wanting wanting wanting and then, where did your twenties go? I am afraid of this. So I chose refuge in my darling Virginia. When my heart hearkened homeward because of my beautiful papa and issues undealt with, I heeded it and came back to Texas.
[Home has dealt with me. I had no one to project onto, no one to squint at, and no one was around for me to make fun of: just me and my papa. It has been a lovesong, our time together, absolutely a lovesong.]
These last eight months, I've let my soul breathe and have been thinking hard about how to Get Where I Want to Go. I knew that included
a) traveling some more and
b) exploring my attraction to design.
After searching for appropriately accredited schools, I narrowed my search down to locations I could tolerate and that would make me grow. The Corcoran is great, but it is home – it is D.C. So. San Francisco is it; a place I’ve visited plenty and have always appreciated; a place that has plenty of newcomers and diversity, a place abreast and overflowing with natural and architectural beauty. A place that’s accessible. A place like San Fran…I just came back, and everything, with exception to housing, is worked out.!
But but but - - - I know that I know that I know, deeply deeply deeply, that I cannot yet begin that journey. I know that I want to walk around the world a little bit more with my eyes and heart and mind wide open. Nannying, for me, is the best way to do that; I can save up a little money while I’m ambling, revving my engine for a three year Master’s of Fine Arts program in expensive, daunting (but riveting!) San Fran.
I’ve already declared that this blog will not ever be my platform for perfection. Nor is it a vehicle for ventilation of long losts. It is, instead, about The Now – what is happening, what I think is relevant (besides the pet names!) and In The Moment.
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About Me
- thatramongirl
- I put premiums on cool all the time with pastimes like online Scrabble and laughing at my own lame-o jokes. South Texan. Virginian. Amateur designer aimin' for my MFA in interior architecture and design.
4 comments:
i love it. i am there with you girl. i feel the urge to get away, the urge to explore. i often find myself talking to someone and my dreams come out like word vomit. days later, they ask how my job search in nyc is, or when i'm moving to florence. they are situations i dream up in my head. but it's not that i don't follow through. i went on interviews, i planned trips. i went on adventures. but they didn't stick. i always as for a sign (not a way out, mind you, but a true sign). and i always get one. and it always points me back in the right direction. not too long ago i realized i'm exactly where i need to be. surrounding myself with exactly who i need to be surrounding myself with and doing exactly what i dreamed i'd be doing.
do what you need to do. have you read the alchemist? (if not, you need to, it's a quick one). "when you are really serious about something, the whole world conspires to lead you toward your destiny." -paulo coelho
great highlights of your thoughts from the last few years, by the way. i can identify with so many of your old entries. i tried explaining to a friend last night that it's not about money. you can have all the money in the world and not have love. do what you love, but only until it makes you happy. nobody wants to marry a workaholic, at least not the ones you want to marry.
as for me, i just want love. pure, unadulterated, love.
i hope you're doing well wherever your dreams take you. ( :
I wish I knew who you were, blogini! All the best.!
oh, it's rachel posner ( :
Christy -
Wow, You have so many wonderful plans, ambitions, and dreams! I love your ideas and plans; your Hope for the future; and the woman you are becoming. But most of all, I love who you are today (and who you were yesterday, and the day before that...) You are already wonderful, KS
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